The Perceived Universe
by Mrs. Palindrome
Summary: When Shepard needed to choose a martyr on Virmire, she selected Lieutenant Alenko with no question. Her relationship with Ashley Williams grows throughout this story as they, along with the rest of the crew, attempt to save the galaxy and sort themselves out in the process. Beginning after Virmire, continuing into ME2, ME3, and beyond.
1. Safe and Sorry

AN: This is my first fanfiction, ever. Please be as brutal as you like, because I'd really like to grow from this experience. Reviews are much appreciated. Enjoy!

* * *

Silence. A welcomed sound after the beating of a terrified heart. After the detonation of a bomb. After clambering aboard a vessel with one less crew member.

The silence on the Normandy seemed to stretch across everything, mirroring the silence of the mourners in the wake of all holocausts, genocides, wars, dictatorships, past and present, in the galaxy. The quiet was cold and cruel, but the only possible thing the remaining crew members could take comfort in. They sat clumped together because it was expected of them; there were no words of consolation or moans of sorrow. Only silence.

The moments leading up to Lieutenant Alenko's death were on every member's mind: Garrus recalled a hearty good morning from the human shortly before the ship entered Virmire's atmosphere. Tali remembered selecting her weapons near him in comfortable silence. Liara examined her hands as she remembered the biotic exercises the two had shared weeks before. Wrex, stubborn as he is, looked back on his skirmish with Shepard with regret. He so easily could have pulled the trigger and ended her life, just as she could have done to him - over a problem that had to have been eradicated. He was angry with himself that it had taken Kaidan Alenko being blown to pieces to make him realize that death was not noble or a reward; it was an unalterable sentence, one that he wanted to avoid now for as long as he possibly could. Kaidan hadn't had a choice in the matter. His life had been willingly put into the hands of the guilty party, who sat separate from everyone.

She had been somewhat shocked to hear the order leave her mouth almost immediately after being issued the ultimatum. Even though she had known Alenko better, known that Ashley was still a foreign component to the Normandy, the decision left her in a matter of seconds. Imagining a mirrored situation where Ashley had been the martyr was completely useless - the bomb had gone off. It was done. In her position, there was no time for regret - Williams was deserving of survival.

Shepard's heart still felt uneasy. Even after the Skyllian Blitz and having been raised by strict military parents, she had never honestly believed that a decision of this magnitude would have sat on her shoulders. Had it been given to her in an office, she would have spent months debating the pros and cons of letting either Ashley or Kaidan live - holding their lifelines in each palm, scissors at the ready as soon as the choice was clear. But hours ago, a bomb was about to detonate and only one other Alliance member could have survived. The choice was hers to make in military terms, but it wasn't hers at all when it came down to the root of it - playing God.

While Shepard's guilt was concrete, Ashley's was filled with more fury and confusion. The gunnery chief sat the furthest away from the group in a chair near the door. All she wanted to do was head to her bunk and bawl. None of this made sense at all - somehow she, Ashley Williams, average soldier, had been more deserving to live than a talented biotic with a great personality and a higher rank than her. The harsh military law instilled in her practically forbade her from directing her fury at Shepard, though some of it seeped through; but most of it was towards herself. When signing up for the Alliance, she had looked forward to all possible paths her life could take, including the heroic death. She had opened herself to all options and was willing to sacrifice her own existence to get the job done. Thinking back on this fact rubbed even more salt in the wound - why would Shepard keep her alive when she knew very well that the soldier was ready to die for anything and anyone? She and Shepard had both, in her mind, taken the life of an innocent man whose potential was lost forever now, his particles doomed to flit around Virmire for the rest of eternity.

Looking around the room, the Commander realized that this entire gathering had been for her own selfish benefit. She hadn't wanted to contact the council yet. She especially didn't want to deal with that prick of a Turian councilor, Sparatus. It was hurtful of her to hold everyone together. She stood up and looked around at all the pained faces. "Dismissed."

The crew had slithered out before she could say more. Joker came in over the comm, offering to put Shepard through to the council. She debated, for a moment, having Joker simply relay the information, but decided it was best to do it herself. Devoid of all care, she asked him to put her through. With an understanding "aye, aye," the link went through, and Shepard saw the friendly blue face of Tevos, the Asari council member.

"Greetings, Commander. We're glad to see Virmire went as planned." she said in her mature, almost-seductive tone. Sparatus piped up with praise for the commander having taken out a potential army of krogan under Saren's rule. Shepard stopped him before he went further, correcting that the krogan wouldn't have served Saren, but Sovereign. A Reaper.

With uneasy faces they combated Shepard's claims, speaking to her as if she was just another inferior race pulling itself out of the muck. With every point she tried to make, they slapped her hand and told her no, that Saren was fooling her. That they couldn't do anything because the evidence of Reapers was nonexistent. With an unsatisfactory explanation that the point of the Spectres were to do things that the Council couldn't afford to do, Tevos wished the commander luck and the three figures disappeared with no other words, no inkling of terror, confidence, or contemplation. Shepard's heart froze over.

They had to believe her. They had to believe that the Reapers were the end of everything.

Walking back to her cabin felt like a brisk walk through the Presidium, sans the easygoing attitudes and perfect temperatures. Everyone was in their cabins, discussing, crying, contemplating their lives and how likely it was that they would suffer the same fate as the Lieutenant - except Liara.

The asari was sitting politely on a chair near the commander's bed. She stood up as the human walked into the room and attempted to formulate a thought. "Shepard, I -" she cut herself off, moving from her spot to embrace her commanding officer. Shepard, pausing for a moment, began to sob into the asari's shoulder, letting out for just a moment all of her anguish at Kaidan's death and her role in it, as well as her fear of the council's next move. Liara pulled away from her and smiled, her sad eyes shining. "I just wanted to let you know that I love you. Not romantically, though," she sputtered, "And I'm still very sorry for blatantly expressing my interest like I did a few weeks ago, because it was incredibly inappropriate." Shepard gave a small chuckle. Only Liara could feel guilt over such an insignificant issue, even at this time.

"I love you as a friend. As the person you were when we met and the person you have become from all of these experiences. Shepard, you let me come with you to Noveria to get the closest thing to closure I could get with Benezia, and you had no solid proof that I wasn't with Saren. I've never had, and never will have again, a friend like you. The entire squad loves you, and no matter the events of today, we still respect every order you give. Kaidan's death affected us all not only because we cared for him, but also because it is making us think back on our lives to see what sacrifices we've made. We also need to figure out what sacrifices can be made for the greater good. And, while I speak for myself, I'm sure the rest of the crew agrees - I will follow you into anything, Commander. You give the order, and I will obey. The decisions you get faced with are of a magnitude I can't even fathom, and whatever you decide is evidently for the best. We are all going to miss Kaidan for our own special reasons, but in the end, we all know that the decision had to be made. Thank you for taking all of these burdens on, Shep. The least we can all do for you is obey every command you give with every beat of our hearts. My life is yours, Commander. I promise you that." and without another word, she pressed her cool forehead against Shepard's for a quick moment. She soon pulled away, smiling at Ashley as she left the cabin.

"Commander?" the woman asked, leaning against the doorframe. Shepard turned around and with a hand gesture, invited her in. They sat down, staring at each other in lead-heavy silence for what felt like centuries; where civilizations rose and fell, and wars were won and lost. Ashley finally took the first step. With a careful, composed breath, she asked, "Why?" and let herself break down. Shepard embraced her and the two sat for a while longer, Ashley sobbing into her commanding officer's shirt and Shepard stroking the Chief's hair. Neither of them had really spoken much; this was the first physical contact, other than hand shaking and accidentally brushing up against each other in some hallway, that they had ever had. At times like this, familiarity didn't matter; the important thing was to have someone to hold on to, because things were ending, exploding, every damn second.

Williams looked at her commanding officer after drying up. "Why did you rescue me? I just can't comprehend it. You knew him better, you knew how he worked and you don't even know me and he's just dead and I feel," she paused, her heart aching, to take a cleansing breath. "I feel like it's my fault, ma'am. I don't understand why you would select an officer of lower rank to survive in a situation like that. Or how you could order a friend's death so quickly." she looked at Shepard after the last remark, feeling the sting. "I don't know how I would have done it either, though." she said, more quietly.

Shepard sighed. She still hadn't figured anything out. In all honesty, the command had just come out and she hadn't had any regrets - it had to be done. Ashley was the survivor. All of this floated in her head, but the immense guilt pressed upon the logistics, threatening to combust absolutely everything that Shepard was. She took a deep breath in preparation for her explanation.

"Ash, in the few short times I've seen you fight, I was amazed. You've got the battlefield grace of a commando and the ferocity of a krogan. I -" Feeling like starting off with facts wasn't a good way to go, she leaned her head back to think. Ashley waited patiently, ears ringing, praying that something Shepard said would make her feel better and understand more. "There's no way I can explain this without feeling cold," Shepard started again.

"Shit, there's no way I can go through life making any decisions without thinking that the death of a close friend is entirely my fault. When that ultimatum came through, my stomach dropped and the entire galaxy, in incredible danger, lost all of its importance to me. I wanted to throw myself on top of that detonator and let you guys go save the galaxy, because I absolutely couldn't make that decision. But I'm a commander in the Alliance Navy. I have to make these decisions. And while I'd love to say that for a few seconds, you both became statistics as I weighed the losses and gains that would come from each individual's death, I can't."

Something about her tone, vulnerable and desperate, made Ashley look Shepard straight in the eye and continue listening. "I'd love to say I debated, because that would feel more human, wouldn't it? But I didn't do anything like that, Ash. I just chose you. I'm not going to lie to you about that because I know you're feeling torn apart right now, but don't think it's because you're a better fighter, and that if you hadn't impressed me so much you'd be the dead one, or anything of the sort. I'm still trying to sort out my decisions and adjust to the fact that none of us will ever see Kaidan again. I'm still wondering if I'll ever be able to sleep again, or of anyone will see me the same again after I demanded the execution of a crew member. In a situation like that, you don't have time for thought. You just call the shots and keep moving because if you don't, Saren's going to come up and shove his pistol in your ear and pull the trigger before you can even question your life's purpose. I just had to, and I did."

Her explanation, while it did next to nothing to make Ashley feel better, still echoed within her head after Shepard stopped talking. _I just chose you._

"Thank you, ma'am. I'm sorry for pressuring you into thinking about it. I understand that you were put into a position you've never been in before and... Thank you. For keeping me, that is. L-T's, um, death, won't be for nothing. I promise." she tried to regain some composure after her meltdown. Shepard looked at her with wide green eyes and tried her hardest to smile.

"Commander? I got confirmation on those reinforcements." Joker's voice came over the comm. "Ambassador Udina would like us to report back to the Citadel; the Council's massing a joint-species fleet to stop Saren and his geth." Shepard smiled; she had known they'd come around!

She looked at the woman next to her. "Would you rather stay on the ship or come with me?" she stood up, her heart swelling with hope, extending a hand to Williams. Ash took the hand and nodded, figuring any distraction, even if it did involve politicians, was better than brooding about what she had never had any control over.


	2. Resolve of a Krogan

"You cheap bastard! You're selling us out!" Ashley cried at Udina, not caring about the consequences. The council had no right to ignore Shepard's warnings solely because they wanted to 'tread lightly' and avoid war. There was always war. An Alliance ship could stop for fuel in the Systems and someone would want to pick a fight. There was always war, but this inevitable war, not attended to, would be the one to end everything.

Not only did the council not mobilize a fleet to assist Shepard - instead, mobilizing guard-posts at all Terminus System relays connected to the Citadel; they also refused to let the Normandy go on its own to go stop Saren. Out of all the times they could have fucked everyone over, they chose now - and Udina was in on it.

"It's just politics, Commander." he cooed. "You've done your job, now let me do mine. We've locked out all the Normandy's primary systems. Until further notice, you're grounded." And with these words, it was as if the entire galaxy had shifted in its position in the great unknown.

Shepard, amid the cold flood of tears rising up in her, felt the sting of bile in her throat. "Nobody stabs me in the back, Udina. Nobody." the passion in her voice was enough to make the cocky politician turn around and look her in the eye.

In a voice belonging to the most devious of slavers and lowlifes, Udina told the marine, "I think it's time for you and your team to leave, Commander. This no longer concerns you. The Council can handle this." Almost laughing at her, he added, "With my help, of course."

Shepard felt crystals go through her body; heart freezing, stomach tightening up. Her cheekbones hurt with the threat of tears, but she couldn't. Not here. It wasn't worth it to let out a bout of frustration and prove eternally to Udina that she really wasn't worth the trouble. In an attempt to reply to Udina, she stood there, frozen, trying to think of something to do and coming up completely blank.

Ashley, meanwhile, clenching her fists beside the commander, glanced in her direction and could nearly hear the fury coming from inside her mind. All of this was political bullshit; her instincts had never fooled her before. Politicians were the plague of the galaxy, and this was no different. Now they were stuck on the Citadel, nowhere to go and no plans to play around with. The thought of all of their work being futile made her furious - Kaidan's death would be for nothing if they didn't find a way off of the space station. There had to be a way. "Pardon my language, ma'am, but fuck this. Let's get out of here." she grabbed her commanding officer's arm and pulled her out of the meeting room, being the steel thread Shepard needed in her balloon-like mindset.

Shepard felt nothing, only weightlessness and an empty gasping feeling. She felt as if she had failed herself, the Alliance, Kaidan, and the rest of the galaxy who would be slaughtered by the Reapers whenever they made their entrance. She hadn't been convincing enough, and no lives would even be left to condemn her. Ashley's hand in hers was the only concrete thing in her mind right now and she took comfort in the warm dampness of the Gunnery Chief's skin. In a somewhat dream-like state, with her other hand she closed the facial shade of her helmet and began to cry.

The tears continued throughout the Citadel, quiet as could be - not even noticeable enough to make Ashley, in her human equivalent of Blood Rage, turn around and study her commander. Upon reaching the Normandy, the two soldiers walked in, hand in hand, not even noticing until it was time to part ways near the lockers. Williams blushed and pulled her hand away gently, lifting up the commander's facial shade in a gesture of compassion and concern. Shepard's face was wet and red, and seeing Ashley's warm demeanor made her cry harder. Ash knew that staying would do nothing for her friend, so with an apologetic smile, she went downstairs to discuss the current situation with everyone. Amidst everything now occurring, her heart still hurt at the knowledge that Alenko wouldn't be there to listen to her. It wasn't fair that the pain of his death had to be pushed aside so soon in order to focus on getting the Normandy in action again. None of this was fair.

Shepard, in the meantime, slumped against the weapon lockers and let out the full hurricane of fury she felt. She pounded her fists against her locker, tears falling, her mind and stomach empty. There was absolutely nothing that could legally be done, and there was no possible way they could steal the Normandy without reprecussion. But wouldn't punishment be better than giving up and leaving the galaxy to its destruction? She couldn't simply try to stop Saren and Sovereign - she _had _to. The thought of trying and not utterly succeeding made her chest burn. She had only felt this way once before, back on Elysium, where things went the utter opposite way than they were going now; before, she had been able to channel her blind fury and turn it into courage so she could save her crew; and, after hours of fighting by herself, it was as if she had cleansed the colony of all batarians. Now, however, there was nowhere to let out the feelings other than through tears. She felt like a coward, more than anything, and a failure.

She leaned her head back against the cool steel of the lockers, feeling it kiss her skin. The faces of her parents floated in her mind; what would they do in a situation like this? These seasoned officers, from ship to ship, who knew the galaxy, so it seemed, like they knew their own bodies - would they have obeyed the orders given to them, or found a way to defy them? Shepard snorted at the thought, breaking out of her emotional haze. All she knew were those who followed orders; nobody fought back, and those who did, she had on her team. There were times when one needed to back down and be the good dog, and this was not one of them. Rebellion was the driving force of her civilization, and many others. This was a fact, and she welcomed it. She felt the passion rising in her again, flashbacks of Elysium and her childhood running through her brain. There was something to do. But she couldn't initiate it.

Ashley tapped her foot in the ancient elevator, waiting for it to cut through the scenic crap and bring her to her commander. She felt wrong for having simply left, but she'd been scared. She'd never seen Shepard in that state before and didn't want to impose; something inside of her itched, however, because she knew that was only one part of it. Before she could delve further, though, the doors opened gand Shepard looked up with a tired grin. "Hey, Chief." she patted the seat on the floor next to her. "Sorry for getting a little... Wild back there. I'm your commander. Not your toddler."

Ashley chuckled. "And I'm sorry for leaving when I could have supported you. I just didn't know what I could have done, but I could have tried." Shepard shook her head, dismissing Ashley's guilt. "However, Tali did devise a plan to hack the Destiny Ascension and get us on our way to Ilos. Everyone was in favor, except there's a small snag - the ship's probably bigger than the planet itself." Williams grinned at the bad joke, taking comfort in the fact that Shepard smiled too.

"I appreciate the fact that you're even here, Ash. I know how hard it is on you, but please don't blame yourself. Blame me. After all, it was my voice that demanded he be blown to smithereens." she looked down and Ashley watched her eyelids move around the floor and around their feet. "I'm not God, and there was absolutely no way I should have been allowed to make that decision - but if I hadn't, we'd all be dead, and the galaxy would soon follow," she paused, angry that she was repeating herself. "I just knew I needed fighters. Not just in the battle sense, but emotionally as well." Ash looked at her and smiled, blushing at the compliment. She knew she was a strong woman, but hearing it from a higher-ranking strong woman was remarkable.

"Commander? Got a message from Captain Anderson. He wants to talk to you in Flux, that club in the wards. I have a feeling our little problem'll be solved real soon."

Ashley grinned and helped Shepard up. "You should probably go. I'll stay here, let someone else get a whiff of that deluxe Presidium air." and before she felt her feet beneath her, Shepard was slamming her armor on and running towards the airlock, barely finding time to shout for Wrex and Tali.

She ran through the docking bay, through C-Sec and straight towards the Citadel transport station. She waited a full minute for her crew mates, both incredibly out of breath and disgruntled. "This better get us off of this damn station, Shepard." Wrex growled. "I'm in the mood for a fight, and if I can't take it to the geth, I'll have to take it to you."

Shepard laughed. "Wrex, we all know what happened the last time you made threats." The joking sting seemed to hang in the air; Wrex grunted, nodding. Shepard wouldn't have hesitated to have pulled the trigger, nor would Ashley have. Despite the aura of jest in Shepard's reply, Wrex remained quiet for the rest of the way to Flux.

After coming across a jittery salarian with an offer Shepard was too preoccupied to take up, the crew saw the friendly face of Captain Anderson waiting for them in a corner. He stood from his table with a grin, offering his hand to the commander and her company. "Shepard, I'm glad you could make it." His friendly smile faded. "I heard what happened."

Shepard, whose sorrow was now replaced with frustration and exhaustion, collapsed into a seat opposite Anderson. "They pulled me off the mission. Just like when they forced you to give up the Normandy." saying this sent a surge through her; all along she'd been traipsing the ship as if it had always been hers, yet the sad truth was that it had been stolen from the captain, just as her mission had been stolen from her, only to be stored away in the subconscious of the ignorant.

Anderson sighed, his age lines seeming to show the years of hard work and battle he'd gone through. Shepard grew furious, seeing this seasoned man and realizing what his new life had come to - and if she didn't do something, that would become her life as well. Sensing something was amiss, Anderson grinned at her. "I know. I'm sorry. I heard Udina discussing it earlier and wanted to take action." He said, punching his hand as if it was the face of the human ambassador. Shepard laughed at the image of a full-out brawl between Udina and Anderson. "But, I figured it'd be better to warn you. When I tried to, though, I saw there was no way to get a message to you before you docked."

"I appreciate you trying, Captain." Shepard's smile showed off how exhausted, but how truly grateful, she was. Despite all of the hardships, Anderson was the one concrete, it felt, that wasn't on the Normandy with her. He would never wrong her. She knew that in her core.

Anderson looked down at his hands, then back at the young woman, seeing the same fire in her that had been, and still was, inside of him, that would propel both of them forward into the unknown. "I know you're pissed off right now, but you can't give up. They, those fucking, um, -"

"Bosh'tet may be the correct word." Tali said with an audible grin. Anderson nodded at her with thanks.

"Those fucking _bosh'tets_ think this is over, but you and I both know it's not."

Shepard could barely contain her anger. "Of course it isn't! This thing, whatever it is that Saren's dealing with, has the potential and the plan to wipe out our entire galaxy. We have some synthetic ass to beat. We have deaths to avenge. It's not fucking over. But what do we do?"

Anderson felt a flicker within him. "We get you to Ilos. You have to stop Saren from using the Conduit. No matter what it takes." Upon seeing Shepard's upcoming interruption, he continued, "Citadel control's locked out all the Normandy's systems. But if we override the ambassador's orders, we can get them to bring the Normandy online. You can be in the Terminus systems before anyone even knows you're gone. And when you come back, you'll have saved the galaxy, so the punishment you would have received can be waived. These sorry assholes don't know who their savior is, but they soon will."

Shepard grinned with the childish sense of eagerness she recalled feeling on all of the ships she'd spent her life on; stealing the captain's trousers, jamming the data pads of important officers - the thrill of breaking the rules had always enthralled her, yet she had never simply given into what she loved and let her rebellion control her. But she knew now that this was the answer she needed.

"What's the plan? What's your part in this? Who do we need to get this done?"

"Calm down, Shepard." the captain said, eyeing Shepard's shaking knees. "I can unlock the Normandy from one of the consoles in the Citadel control center. You'll have a few minutes to get out of here, before anyone notices what's happened. Unless someone watches you leave and has the heart to report it, you should be fine. For a bit."

"That area is patrolled by-" Tali began, Anderson cutting her off with a sly grin.

"Leave that to me. Just make sure you're on the Normandy when the systems come back online. We don't need you taking a pit stop at the bar while the Normandy goes to defeat Saren."

Shepard contemplated. "I don't like it. There's got to be another way. Less conspicuous."

"Well, ambassador Udina did issue the lockdown order. If I can hack into the computer in his office, maybe I can override it."

Tali scoffed. In all her experiences as a hacker, even as a young child on her birth ship, she had never attempted to hack into an object with the object's owner in plain sight. "He's not just going to stand there while you use his computer, is he?"

Looking at the young quarian's facial plate, he addressed her concerns. "Hopefully he won't be there; he's probably busy being diplomatic. If he is, though, I'll think of something. I'm a captain in the Alliance navy. I'll think of something."

Seeing the looks of apprehension on the team's faces, and the nervous fidgeting in Tali's case, he sighed. "We don't have too many options. I break into his computer or risk the control console. There's not much else, short of blowing the station up."

"It'd be safer to hack into Udina's office. He's only one man, and he's unarmed. Even if for safety he carries a pistol, it's safe to assume that he can't hit a thing." Shepard stood up.

"You're right. The ambassador's made this personal, as well. Might as well avenge the both of us. Are you ready to get the hell off of this station now, Commander?"

"Let's do it."

"I'll take care of the lockdown. Just get back to the Normandy and tell Joker to stand down. I'll have you set in no time." after shaking hands with the man, Shepard and the crew darted back to the Normandy, anticipation flowing through their bodies.

After an inconvenient decontamination, Shepard wound her way towards the cockpit. "Anderson's preparing a gift for us. Be ready to leave as soon as the systems come online."

"And when will that be?" the on-edge pilot asked The red lights of the controls turned green, as if in response, and he smiled at the commander. "Ilos, here we come."

As the ship left the dock, Shepard trotted downstairs to address her crew, all gathered around discussing the day's events. On the stairs she found herself listening to a waterfall as everyone babbled about the reactivation of the ship.

"Team! We're on our way to Saren right now. This isn't the last time we'll be doing this, and I don't want any of you thinking that for a moment. If for a moment you falter, think of Alenko. Think of who he was to you, and who he could have been. Think of his sacrifice in order to save others. We will not fail. Tali, think of your people. Do you want them to have solar systems to travel to? Wrex, think of your people, slowly disintegrating. You want them to rise again. Think of the families and of the possibilities existing in this galaxy. Think of the lost opportunities so that others could be gained. Fight. This is the unknown here, people, and that should push us further." she had captured the room. Her voice boomed, colliding with areas of the ship Kaidan had once resided in.

"We're not only up against a Spectre. We're against an army of synthetics and a giant space machine no one believes in. We are alone in this when it comes to the council, but we're not alone when it comes to this ship. Our difficulties have forged a bond only families and lovers have. This we will bring to the battle. This we will bring to Saren, Sovereign, and anyone else who gets in our way. The galaxy depends on us. We better not let it down."

She received a vicious cheer as she finished, her teammates getting up to shake her hand and profess how honored they were to be a part of this mission. How frightened, but how proud, they were to take part in such a historical operation.

After a few more hours, Shepard headed to her cabin to rest before they landed. Her mind raced, Kaidan's face flickering in and out of her consciousness, but she pushed him away. Guilt after success. She had thought enough about him and the past. Now came the very uncertain future; the one she would mold.


	3. Moments of Light and Dark

Shepard could feel her heart pounding in her chest as she settled into her small bed. The day's, week's, month's events played back in her head. Had it really been less than 48 hours since Kaidan Alenko had been blown apart? The galaxy was moving too fast for her, and thinking about it made her breathing hitch. When she went to sleep, she would escape for a time, then wake up and face an awful threat no one else had ever faced before. As the seconds passed, more revelations and realizations came to her. Despite the fear and the anguish she felt, she had a galaxy that depended on her. In her core, she took comfort in that, and would fight.

After minutes of inner dialogue, pep-talks and planning for the future, she fell asleep. Even among the conflicting feelings exploding inside of her, she slept relatively deep, immersed in a dream that had begun ever since she'd closed her eyes.

She found herself back on Virmire, laying down on a luscious beach. She was completely naked, but the sand didn't infiltrate her at all. The water, when it touched her, never went past her calves. It went to where she knew she could handle it before gathering goosebumps. After a few more tides graced her skin, she became aware of figures standing around her. To her right were Garrus, Tali, Liara, and Wrex; none of them seemed to care, or even notice her nudity. They looked at her with the admiration they knew she deserved. To her left was Ashley, and next to her, Kaidan. He looked so much younger than she'd ever known him, and he grew younger the longer she stared. She wondered if she was growing old as he was growing young, but couldn't look down at herself. Instead, her gaze became attracted to a figure emerging from the water. His arms were spread and he carried machinery in one palm and a tree branch in the other. He walked towards the group, but upon reaching them, only addressed Shepard.

"Are your choices any different from mine?" he asked. She felt embarrassed that her enemy was seeing her like this, but he paid her naked body no attention. She felt her conscious self ordering her dream self to move, but she was bound by the spirit to her back. Saren walked closer, coming to crouch directly over her and smile.

"My choice will liberate the galaxy. Yours murdered a man to prove a point to me." his face shifted from Kaidan's, to his own, to Shepard's. "What we did at that facility could, and will, be replicated. So why did you kill him?" at this, the young Kaidan began to totter over.

"I once killed a man, but I never gave the order." he said in a youthful, detached voice. "I could have been a lot more than you let me."

The rest of the crew watched the ordeal with smiles on all of their faces, hands behind their backs, leaning forward to hear as much as possible, like nosy puppets.

"I had to make a choice. We all would have been dead." Shepard replied. She felt like her skin was being seared off for consumption.

"You chose not to leave Elysium to rot. You chose to save lives. Why not choose the grey area, and let everyone survive?" Kaidan's question sent spears through the commander's heart; he had a point. There were several routes she could have taken, yet she took the straightforward one.

Saren caressed her face, never straying below the neck. "You say the Reapers and, by association, the geth and I, are the worst possible thing that could come to the galaxy. That we need to be stopped? Yet examine our intentions."

His hand went further down Shepard's body, simply trailing.

"From the bottom of my heart, I want our civilizations to flourish. I want us to survive millennia past our expiration date. Allying with the Reapers is the only way how." he had reached her feet and was now returning up the opposite side.

Kaidan piped in, "Yet you had no other reason for my death other than the fact that you thought it was necessary. A lot of things are necessary. Doesn't mean they're right."

Saren's finger, trailing along Shepard's belly, had left a deep gash that gave the woman no pain - only a sharp feeling of emptiness. Shepard watched, trembling, as Saren pushed his machinery and branch together, hiding the final product from the commander, and placing it inside of the gash. Any attempts of protest were silenced. Saren sealed the wound and stood back up, taking Kaidan by the hand. The lieutenant was now young enough to be ignorant to shoe-tying.

"This is the peace you feel when you assimilate yourself with the unnatural. When you let it become natural."

Shepard glanced back at her crew members for any hint of oddness. They were still in the same position. Noticing her glance, Kaidan walked over and shoved Ashley. She and the rest of the crew, squishy dominoes, fell into the water and screamed. Their bodies grew purple and fat, bruised apples, before changing into varying breeds of husk.

"Commander." they hissed. Shepard could still not move.

"See you later, _Huse_." the infant Kaidan now whispered, using her first name for the first and last time, and kissing the grown woman's forehead. Her heavy body shivered and she felt tears flowing down her face, unable to discern realities anymore.

Her crew members began to shuffle towards her and she felt a fire building up within her body. The area Saren had sliced open felt like a volcano, a thousand explosions going off every second within her stomach. She felt her organs gluing themselves together and becoming lead-heavy machinery. The shells of her crew advanced.

"This is your finale, Shepard." Sovereign's voice boomed from the sky. Saren fell to his knees.

Ashley was the first husk to reach her commander, putting an arm out to stroke the woman's face before collapsing on top of her.

* * *

"Commander?" Tali's voice pierced through Shepard's fragile consciousness. Tears were frozen on her face and her jaw was sore. Her stomach was fine; there was no machinery within her, no Ashley-husk on top of her. She looked at the young quarian in her doorway.

"Yes, Tali? Did I wake you up?"

Tali fiddled with her hands. "Er... Yes. But I'm a light sleeper, as you know. The silence in here is still unnatural, so hearing you was odd. I figured it would be better to wake you up so you wouldn't have to continue whatever you were doing."

"How long have we all been in bed?"

"About two hours. Would you like to talk?"

Shepard smiled into the darkness. "I'd like that, Tali. You have no idea how much I need that." she got up from the bed, feeling the remnants of the dream stir within her, the frozen tears stinging her cheeks as they continued to slide down. Sovereign's voice felt as if it would enter her head any time possible, an impossible force, always looming.

She met up with Tali in the mess hall and studied her, trying to forget.

"You don't change when you go to sleep?"

Tali sighed. "Commander, when we met, I wasn't really in a position to pack an overnight bag. And even so, I can't undress and re-dress whenever it's needed. There's a very detailed process that comes with exiting a suit and I don't have all my materials right now. And I'm comfortable in this."

Shepard could barely stop herself from laughing. Tali always took the extra steps in explaining herself, making sure that nothing was ever misunderstood.

Blushing, the quarian tried to change the subject. "What were you dreaming about in there? I've never heard anyone make those noises before."

The silence following the questions gave Tali a hefty weight to bear. She coughed, changing directions in the conversation, hoping that her question hadn't upset the woman more than her dreams already had. "I dreamt once, when I was younger, a few years after getting my first suit, that I met a geth." Shepard's thoughts shifted from herself, for the moment, to the quarian. "We fell in love. I could communicate with it somehow, and I fell in love with it. I ended up choosing it over the Fleet, for some reason, and then I woke up crying because I was appalled that I'd had that in my head."

The commander let the statement sink in. She had no adequate response to the confession, because she hated the geth as much as Saren and Sovereign. They, too, were to blame for Kaidan's death and the deaths of thousands more. The idea of breaking stereotypes and age-old ideas didn't occur to her at all. "I guess the geth are affecting more than just the quarians now. It's a burden that should never have to be born."

Tali's insides twisted. Despite the fact that her ancestors had created the monstrous race, the quarian felt guilt and anger at the fact that the geth were hurting so many now.

"It was a mistake, Shepard. Something that we'll hopefully ratify, soon." the statement held dual truths. The Normandy's crew would soon face the geth, but it was inevitable that the quarians would as well, in their own time.

"Hopefully, Tali. All we can say is hopefully."

The Normandy's silence, once peaceful, held violence within it, a heavy foreshadowing the crew couldn't shake, no matter how hard they tried. "I'm scared, Shepard." Tali finally admitted. Shepard looked into her face plate, searching for anything to relate to, and finding only darkness.

"I think we all are, Tali. But we're still going for it because we know it has to happen. We're allowed to be scared. We just can't be cowards."

"Right. I'm not going to run. I just wanted to let you know. Because I've never done anything like this before and... I just don't know what to expect. But under your command, I know that we'll be safe. I'm not just hoping. I couldn't be more honored to serve with someone."

Shepard blushed. She didn't deserve this crew. A much more seasoned soldier deserved her role, her ship, her friends, yet it was she that was handling all of the cards. "I couldn't have asked for a better, more adept quarian to work with. You've proved your worth over and over, and when you return to the Fleet," she paused, realizing that after this mission, her team would probably disassemble. Tali looked up from the table, noticing the break. "When you go back, you'll always have a reason to hold your head high. You've done so many things none of your people ever will. You're making history, Miss Nar'Rayya."

Tali's heart swelled with the praise from her makeshift mentor. Studying the human's face, she realized that the commander didn't look fit for a gentle breakfast, much less for a life changing battle. "I should let you sleep. We need you at your best. I'm sorry for waking you, but I hope it helped."

"Goodnight, Tali. It did."

Her bed welcomed her back, embracing her for as long as possible, as if worried she wouldn't come back.


	4. The Art of Eloquence

Sunshine wasn't needed for the commander to wake up; living her life mostly on spaceships, she had grown accustomed to the silent blackness of space, her body adjusting as she grew to wake up exactly as a marine does. Rising from beneath the sheets, she admired all of the small dots she saw outside of the window; she may never see them again. Her heart bit at her chest as it came to her mind that many of these dots weren't just stars - some were galaxies, all with their own despairs and saviors. Did the Reapers affect all of the universe, or just this corner of it? There were so many questions that she knew couldn't be answered until after she was dead, which might be sooner than she had expected as a child. She soaked in all of the unknown and its possibilities, closing her eyes, before finally peeling the sheets away and getting dressed. She still had a few hours before the Normandy entered the Mu relay.

Entering the mess hall, she found the rest of her crew all about, trying to keep a conversation running but failing. They were all terrified. She could see it in their eyes and in their proud, but uneasy, smiles. "Hey, Commander." Ashley said, patting the seat next to her. Shepard smiled and sat down, eyeing each and every one of her team members.

"So." she sighed. The one-syllable word seemed to break the tension, and all of the bodies filling the room deflated just a bit. Their commander was up, ready to lead, ready to kick ass. "We've got a hefty task ahead of us. Saren might not even be waiting for us upon arrival. For all we know, he's already reached the Conduit. The Citadel might be in flames right now, and we'll never know. We need to try harder than we've ever tried, like I told you last night. Do this for your future families, for the future generations and cycles that will rise with us, not on top of our ashes."

She took a deep breath, the momentousness of the situation hitting her with every exhale. "Accepting defeat is not an option. If Saren's gotten to the Conduit, then fuck him. We chase him. We bring down his goddamn ship, we bring down the goddamn geth, we save this galaxy from more pain and misery, even if it is only for a time. Even now we still don't know what we're up against, but that just means we're going to fight harder, fiercer, bloodier. You're all here because you're meant to be, because you, as with Kaidan, have dedicated your lives to this cause. Some of you may not live another day, but you know what? That'll happen, and others will live another day. Your sacrifices will not be forgotten. Nothing will. No matter what happens... We've done our best in every possible way that we can."

Her hand slowly found Ashley's back. "This may not be right for a commander to say, but I love every single one of you, and I believe in you. You're the best in this entire galaxy, and honestly? The Reapers don't stand a chance. Not against us. Now, I don't want you all talking, working yourselves up anymore. I want you to go somewhere private, somewhere you call your own, and I want you to think of every single tactic you can use today. Imagine every possible situation that can happen, and find a remedy. The galaxy's counting on us."

The crew all saluted, stomachs brimming with fear and pride, and left to begin preparation.

Only Ashley stayed behind, unaware that everyone else had left to go prepare for the final battle. She was in another place altogether, time-traveling from what felt like months ago to moments ago, reflecting on the conversation the crew had had a few minutes before Commander Shepard had entered the mess hall.

Tali had recounted the previous night's to the rest of the Normandy team, the screams she heard, the dream that wasn't discussed - and as Ashley listened, she had felt within her a strange surge of jealousy. She'd wanted to grab the quarian and shake her until all of the secrets came out; she wanted to know what was plaguing Shepard. After having seen Shepard break down twice in the past week, and being there for the climax and the relief, it hurt the gunnery chief that she hadn't been the one to wake up to the bloodcurdling screams and dash to her commander's side.

What bothered her maybe even more than that, however, was the sudden snap in Shepard's attitude. After Anderson had gotten the Normandy off of the Citadel, it was as if the commander's confidence had overflowed again. She had become the no-nonsense commander they all needed, but Ashley, of all people, knew that it couldn't possibly be concrete. She knew the woman was hiding inside of herself, only waiting for the right moment before she could tear herself apart.

Williams wasn't mad at Shepard for acting strong when nobody else could; she was mad that the closeness she had begun to feel, if only in a few situations, had been cut off again. The Shepard that had chosen her over a good friend at Virmire and choked on the guilt was somewhere else, and the Shepard out now, made of strength and steel, focused only on the mission at hand, nothing more.

Ashley needed more time. Images flickered through her head as she revisited that brought her to this very moment - losing her team on Eden Prime, finding Shepard and Kaidan when she thought nothing could be done to save her. She had been so scared, utterly unaccustomed to the geth and everything else that attacked that day, and then came the beacon. Watching Shepard collapse after the artifact's explosion had terrified her, yet thinking about the same situation now, Ashley could see herself carrying the commander back to the ship with worry running throughout her body, rather than watching as Kaidan tried to revive his commanding officer.

She recounted side missions, riding in the Mako with Shepard and someone else, discussing nothing but always feeling something. She recalled the talks about family, poetry, religion. she had sparingly shared with her commander, and how open minded the woman had been. Shepard had no business with the bible, but had only smiled when Ash mentioned it. It hadn't been her place to judge. Especially not on a ship full of foreign creatures, all sharing different faiths.

With Ilos coming faster and faster and the knowledge rushing even more, Ashley's heart started to run. There was just so much to uncover. What if the time was cut short by this battle? What if she never got to discuss Whitman, life, love, with Shepard like she felt they could eventually get to?

Her excited state caused Shepard, pacing around the table, to eyeball the gunnery chief.

"What's up?" she asked, sitting back down to face Williams.

"I don't want this to be the end." the soldier's voice was curt, but shaky. She had started it; she may as well finish it. Shepard smiled.

"Ash, we've got one of the best teams in the-"

"Don't bullshit, Shepard! I know you're scared. We all do. Tali told us about last night." Ashley paused when she noticed the commander's face become wounded at the apparent betrayal of secrecy she thought she'd shared with the quarian. "She didn't tell us just to gossip. She told us because we all had no idea how you were actually feeling. The speeches, the strong-willed iron you seemed to have inside, that didn't feel right. Especially not after I saw you bawl when we spoke about Kaidan, then seeing how you were about the Council's decision. The others didn't know about that, and I didn't tell them; but I personally didn't understand where all of your _weaker_ human emotions had gone. The rest of the crew, they were confused, but you're Commander Shepard. They thought you'd shoved everything behind you for the moment. We've all had to shove everything behind, but it's still lurking somewhere, in every single one of us. You don't have to hide it, ma'am. We've talked about things like this before, remember? Less than a day ago?" She winced as she finished talking. It had all sounded so clear in her head, but now she was preaching. She just wanted to make it obvious that she cared, that they could talk about anything, whenever.

Her voice was unintentionally coming off as severe and admonishing. Shepard was taken aback. Williams, of all people, should have understood why she'd gone through that switch. It was necessary. There had to be more to what Ash was saying.

The gunnery chief saw the hurt and confusion in her friend's face. "God. I'm sorry. All of that just came out, but I do mean it. I didn't mean to sound angry or disrespectful. It just isn't fair that we've had to ignore our pain about Kaidan's death, because we have other shit to do, you know? And I guess the frustrating this is that I watched you break down. Seeing you standing tall again, miraculously, just because Captain Anderson got us off of the Citadel, felt off. I don't know. I guess I just wanted to talk because I felt like I helped when you felt bad, and I still do want to help." she blushed and the room consumed the two women. Shepard's mind was racing, while Ash considered her next statement. "Tali said you didn't talk about your dream. She didn't want to push it. Can I push it?"

Huse smiled and nodded. "Yes, you can. I'm sorry for such a drastic switch. I just had to make it. I couldn't show you guys how deathly afraid I was of today, because how would you guys feel? If the woman with the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders can't handle it, how can I expect any of you to feel up to the fight? Even though I'm shaking inside, I did and do mean every word I said. I'm confident in our abilities. I'm frightened about the unknown, and what's going to happen. Nothing is concrete, and that's difficult."

Ashley felt a slight disappointment at the avoiding of her more personal confessions within her complaints to Shepard, but didn't press the woman.

"Nothing's been concrete for a long time. Not even Kaidan's death. It just feels like he's on a separate mission." She turned away and stretched. Shepard did the same. After a few moments of silence, they both sighed, Ash turning to face her commander with a shaky resolve. "What_ is_ concrete is that we're all alive, thanks to you. I'm alive thanks to you. I barely know anything about you and you saved my life." Her voice continued to waver as her heart pounded; she could rush into battle like a krogan, but when it came to speaking to someone she was slowly realizing she cared about, she was an adolescent? Shepard's lips were pursed in a patient, awaiting way. Her own heartbeat, she felt, could be seen in her throat. Ashley smiled nervously, then continued. "But there's time to learn about you. I know it. And I don't want Saren taking that away from me."

Her tone had sent jolts of dancing electricity throughout Shepard's body. Williams hadn't been upset at her attitude change, but because she hadn't been the one Shepard turned to. She needed more time to learn about the commander.

She was the one breathing, not Kaidan.

The galaxy's first human Spectre was at a loss for words. She inhaled, exhaled, trying to find footing and begin the climb of linguistics. "I couldn't kill you." she finally choked out; the statement flew through the air, heavy with much more than consonants and vowels. "It wasn't possible for me to do that, to leave you. Don't ask how I was sure. You were just... You were really something. I could tell." Monologues went unspoken as the two soldiers looked at each other. "I don't know you, or about you, either, but we'll get our time."

They could both feel the minutes until they reached the relay slowly disintegrating. "I'm so glad I didn't die, Shepard," Just imagining the unknown of the afterlife instilled terror within her - while God's image comforted her, she hated knowing that had she died, nothing more of her would be figured out. She would have been the complete book, bound with nice chapters, but no embellishments.

"I'm glad too, Ash."

The silence, for the first time since this entire journey had begun, was comfortable. Without realizing it, the two women had been growing closer since they had first met. Kaidan's death hadn't created a connection - it had just established the fact that there was one, hiding. Ashley, the only surviving member of her squad, had been meant to meet Shepard. While they hadn't spoken much during their adventure, there had always been something neither of them could explain that finally explained itself on Virmire.

Had their upcoming mission not been life threatening, the women didn't know what would have happened in regards to one another. The absence of time seemed to press them, urgently, to express themselves the best they could as gruff marines, focused more on the galaxy than the feel of someone else's body.

"Hey. I asked you about that dream earlier. You gave me permission to push the issue."

Shepard smiled and started with finding herself nude on a beach. She detailed the dream perfectly, having gone over it several times after she'd had it. She relived the terror of Saren's speeches and Kaidan's youth, the mechanisms placed inside of her and the transformation her crew members had gone through.

"And I swear, when I woke up, I could feel Sovereign -"

"Commander?" Joker piped in over the comm. The soldiers felt both of their faces ice over. This was it. "Five minutes ETA to the Mu Relay."

They stumbled up from the table, hearts pounding, both unprepared but as ready as they could possibly ever be. Walking side by side, they made their way up to the cockpit, as slowly as possible, as if to prolong the time before the inevitable occurred. They felt the slight jolt of the Normandy making contact with the relay as they exited the elevator, and quickened their steps to get a good view of their final battleground.

Joker was expecting them, hand on his thigh with a bit of attitude - as if the obvious presence of geth was little more than a nuisance. "Company," he muttered. Seeing the questioning looks of the crew, he continued. "We're on stealth drive. They've got no idea we're here unless they get a visual." Sighs of relief scattered through the general area.

Navigator Pressly, studying graphs nearby, addressed the commander in an odd, upset voice. "I'm getting strange readings from the planet's surface."

This vague description made Shepard's stomach drop, yet without anything else to go off of, she had no choice but to ask the helmsman to continue with the original plan - locking in on the needed coordinates, and dropping the team in. Her warrior's spirit was rising in her again, all fear abolished. She was eager to begin and end this fight.

Pressly spoke up again. "Negative on that, Commander. The nearest landing zone's two clicks away."

Hostility manifested itself within the small pit. Ashley scoffed, eager to begin as well. "We'll never make it on foot! Get us something closer."

Pressly seemed to take this as a personal attack. "There is nowhere closer! I've looked!"

For a moment, the situation seemed impossible - being dropped off in the Mako was a no-go; the metal beast needed at least two hundred meters for a successful drop-off. The closest free space that could be found was twenty.

Ashley clenched her fists at the news. "We'll never get in close enough for a drop." Though she tried her hardest, the desperate whine in her voice broke through her gruff military dialect.

A mountain of voices rose from the floor - Liara advocating, Ashley protesting, Pressly retaliating, Tali calculating; volumes rising higher and higher as the fears and frustration of everyone took root within their words. Joker found his voice, cutting off the feud. "I can do it."

Shepard looked down at the pilot. She had no doubts. "Joker?"

"I can do it."

The determination in his voice persuaded everyone to peel their walls down and prepare themselves mentally once again. "Ash, Garrus- you're with me upon landing," The two saluted. Shepard placed her hand on her pilot's shoulder and squeezed - not too tight, but enough to feel. "Joker's going to drop us off right on top of that bastard."

Her oratory skills made the pride rustle in everyone's hearts. Even Pressly, standing back once more, felt more comfortable once he'd been struck by the ambitious tasks of both Joker and the commander.

"I won't let you down, ma'am. I promise." the pilot said.

"I know you won't. Have you seen what we've been through together?"

As quick as it had come, Huse's lightheartedness vanished as soon as she looked out the window and saw the planet glaring at her, begging her to come play. She nodded to Pressly before leading the crew out to begin suiting up; her icy nerves and fear had completely thawed, leaving only a volcano, heated more so at the thought of her body's defilement by Saren in last night's dream.

She would make him pay for all he had done in the physical, spiritual, and nonexistent realms, and she would avenge all those lost on Eden Prime thanks to the geth.

Sovereign was a longer, but just as doomed, chapter in the book.


End file.
